It should be a truth universally acknowledged that one must avoid drinking coffee in a garden centre café. Hold on, I said that last week. But if a humble scribe must steal they should steal from the best and then get one’s karmic money’s worth by repeating it. Even into inanity.
It also seems that not all Garden Centre cafés are created equal. But does only a fool break the Garden Centre rule?
The Oyster Bar itself is a bit of a conundrum. It’s a community-minded enterprise with local employees but most of the customers in season seem to be of the salmon-pink trousered Range Rover variety, with a soupcon of Nissan Micra drivers and an emerging white Tesla tendency. But there’s nothing to stop a working gentleman of the road from calling in and it is quiet here out of season. ParticuIarly when one’s steed is sandwiched between a constantly braking mix of the above drivers on the A83. I had previously found the café in the main building itself uninspiring so I decided to dally with a PMiaV guideline, completely lose my head and try the garden centre café. A bold choice you say, but a fine one. A fyne one.
The room, which is some sort of converted industrial greenhouse, has wood panelling, clean bright colours and a lot of light. When the sun is shining I can almost forget that winter prevails outside as it’s warm and pleasant in here. There is a vast selection of signage with punning ‘Fyne’ mottos and 50s style ersatz nauticalia for you to display around your home. If you enjoy having writing on your walls and never tire of a cliché. Most garden centre cafés seem aimed at satisfying the pensioner tendency. But the well-stocked bookshelves, board games selection and tasteful warm chunky clothing give the shop and cafe more of the feel of a new-build nursery school. I feel like I am back in the Infants. There’s even a nap corner for rest time. My mistake, it’s just a display of snuggly blankets. The tables have cheery oilcloth coverings with pink Triceratops napkin holders and the hard chairs can be wiped down in case of accident. The staff also have the no-nonsense female straightforwardness of the nursery teacher. I feel that if I arrive here upset and hide in the toilets weeping, a nice lady will soon come and put things right. She will wipe my nose, tie my shoelaces and give me a biscuit before I go back out to play in my van until the bell rings. I have not yet tried this experiment out but feel assured of its success.
The coffee and especially the baking at the Tree Shop café are for big boys and girls. The coffee, served in a powder-blue cup and saucer is excellent as long as you mention the 2-shot rule when ordering. Savoury food and cakes are sublime. This is the best place so far encountered for a breakfast roll, sandwich, coffee, cake or light lunch on my 50 mile triangular refreshment search zone of the A82/A83/A84, which stretches between the Auchentullich Farm Shop, Lucy’s in Ardfern and the Ginger Bread Man in Helensburgh. The range and quality of cakes is especially fine, created with fyne quality (sorry, it’s hard not to get involved) ingredients and a creative culinary flair. Service is fast and friendly and if it’s fine weather, the views are fantastic as you pull into the carpark. If it’s fyne weather the views are humbling as water rages from above cloud level, down the hillsides of the glen towards the sea.
So, one must sometimes let go of one’s preconceptions, go back to your old school and stop at this garden centre café.
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