Jedburgh Abbey is a stunning ruin. A monument to an advanced, organised, well-developed and intelligent system which functioned to the benefit of most of local society. Until it was laid waste to by revengeful single-issue small-minded English vandals on a regular basis in the 14th Century. I cannot conceive of this sort of thing ever happening again, especially as we now have regular local elections.
Simply Scottish is a tidy, well-kept and warmly presented town centre café that feels aimed at tourists and the better-heeled locals. This was admirably signalled by blue panelling, turquoise walls, many framed colourful Highland scenes, efficient staffing and an unnecessary preponderance of internal CCTV cameras. There is space, laminate flooring, upright chairs and a straightforward menu, served quickly.
My roving eye noted the shelves full of Scotland-visiting themed nicey things. When I considered the interior as a whole, I felt that I was cooling my heels in one of the better airport cafés during an extended wait for a delayed flight. That is perhaps a little harsh, Simply Scottish is a decent, straight, nay adult town café.
I concentrated on the job in hand: my relentless search for the finest establishments suited to your and my itinerant needs for coffee and nourishment. Both physical and spiritual. Close attention to the menu paid off. There were a few satisfying deviations from the norm, such as an excellent Haggis Nachos. The coffee was a slightly above average over-roasted brew. Nothing to blog home about. But. But but but. What you should do in Simply Scottish is order a cake. Monster sponges of varying flavours flaunt their assets in a busty display cabinet on the counter. As well they should. The slices are enormous, the sponge is moist, the construction is homemade and the ingredients are of quality. My cake brought to my mind the simple pleasure of being lovingly embraced by a long-lost bosomy cousin.
(All of these three items were had for a very reasonable indeed £12.20. Cousins don’t usually charge.)
My vision swam but then refocussed on the shelves heaped with the aforementioned retail range of Scottish nicey things, bourgeoise version. I shall indulge you with an inventory of just one shelf; Hairy Coo water bottles, wooden ducks with bow-ties and tartan waistcoats, pillowcases with West Highland terrier motifs, tartan tea towels with stags, Hairy Coo mugs, a tartan Westie toy, tartan oven gloves, leaping cats… The colours were uniformly bright, psychedelic even. As was the art on the walls of Simply Scottish, those Gauguin-influenced Highland scenes of colour-popping white cottages, harbours, beaches and comedy sheep.
There was no green, no grey, no muddy brown and none of black of an endless wet night and subsequent day in their palette.
Is this the simple Scotland you are familiar with?
I moved on to the book section, scrolling the spines. Here reality had again been adjusted as my third eye glimpsed the dreams and aspirations of our visitors. The hoards of tourists on whose £££ we rely; Best Wild Swimming Spots, Swim Wild, Wild Swimming, the Art of Wild Swimming, How to Swim Wild, Wild Swimming Walks, Wild Swimming Scotland, Saltwater Cure, Blue Scotland, Paddle Scotland, Paddleboard Bible, The Camper Van Bible, Scottish Bothy Bible, Wild Camping, Gin Garden, Canna Café, the Hebridean Baker, Island Lifestyle, the Modern Croft, Food Whisky Life, Eco Everything, Monroe Bagger, NC500 Traffic Jam and no doubt something by Banjo Beale & Ro (I can do a mean impersonation of Banjo but won’t if Australians are present).
Worst of all from our PMiaV work perspective was a picture tome entitled Take the Slow Road. Don’t, and if you do, drive to the conditions at only 10% less than the national speed limit. Don’t stop on a bend of an A-road to take a picture of your girlfriend in The View. I’m trying to make a delivery.
The impression given by this range of literature is a summer fever dream of Scotland as a place of space, freedom, bright colours, wonderful light, stunning physical features, friendly enterprising locals, a long, cultured history. No rain and no midges. Simply Scottish.
It can be. At certain times, very occasionally for several days on end between May and September, all the above are true at once. And it’s ours. Until Winter looms. The tourists leave. Thank you. We did really need your money.
Then we have Simply Scotland back. On with the boots, down jackets, waterproofs, dry suits, 5mm neoprene, head torches, gauntlets, crampons and winter tyres. It’s all ours again. We love it.
Roll on summer.
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